Why I Am Over Living Alone (I think I anyway...)

For the last few years I have lived alone and generally have very much enjoyed it. If I want to rearrange the whole house, I can. If I want to wander around with the blinds shut wearing nothing but sock, I can do that too. Want a hamster? Get one. Feel like cooking a super strong smelling meal? Go right ahead. LOTS and LOTS of freedom. Didn't mop the floor? Meh. No biggie. Forgot to start the dishwasher with the fishy pan in it? No one else will complain about how spacey I can be. Just get to be irritated with myself, no one else helping me be ticked off by the early morning shock of stale fish smell and my forgetful mind (why yes I have actually done this.) 

Lately though...I have been seeing the down side more and more often...

Last night I was almost asleep. In the weird place where your body hovers between dreams and awake and you almost feel like you're about to exit reality stage left....when...

Thump CRASH!!!

A clatter happened. In my apartment. 

But I'm alone so...

ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap....

Psycho killer here to kill me....

And I have to solve the problem. All by my chicken, terrified, pansy ass self.  Lovely. No one else to even huddle with me as I creep about flinging open doors to closets and rooms...Just me and the psycho killer that is surely lurking somewhere in the safe little apartment. 

Then there's the moment I had tonight...

I was eating berries. Mixed. Fresh, not frozen. I was avoiding the black berries because they just haven't been good lately (and by lately I mean the past 5-6 years.) I decided to eat one anyway and holy cow!!! It was like skittles on crack in my mouth!!! So sweet!!! So full of flavor!!! I didn't think it was a black berry so I actually went to check in the mirror to see what I had in my mouth...because there wasn't anyone else to check for me. 

The next black berry was just as good! And the next! What is going on?!?!?! I nibbled the next one and it was like heaven in a bumpy berry. I wanted desperately to say to someone, "YOU HAVE GOT TO TASTE THIS! IT'S SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLY GOOD!" 

alas...alone...

Two small things but those coupled with other recent moments are making me realize that living alone, in some ways, is just not quite living. Not for me anyway. Not anymore. It's time...