So About That Day at Work...

I believe I've written about this before, and I suspect I shall, someday, write about it once again.

TOPIC: My job (supervise a secure, residential treatment center for teens and young adults) 

Often this job is what I imagine most jobs to be like: irritating, stressful, not something I particularly LOVE to do, but I'm decent at it and have the required skills to perform the necessary duties. I think most people on the planet don't LOVE what they do. I think most of us have coworkers that irritate us, things about the job we wish we could change but can't....the usual stuff. 

Then there's this reality: the kids I with whom I currently are tough. I don't mean "I've had a rough year or two" tough, I mean the, "I've been kicked out of all the foster homes, and all the treatment centers, and this is my last stop before long-term, permanent institutionalization of one form or another unless I get a grip REALLY soon," tough. They are lower functioning, seriously hurt and broken kids.

It is not an easy job, but I don't think any job really is. There aren't many perks. That having been said, I can't see myself working in customer service or doing something with computers. It's this or nursing and I know that I'll probably end up doing psych in that field as well. 

So...about my day...Today was weird at work. I got hurt on the job. Being hit or punched is not picnic. Being spit on is extremely unpleasant. Being scratched stings and the wounds tend to re-open on me for some reason. Being sliced open by a broken toilet was pretty much crap-tastic (get it??) Being sexually harassed makes me want to crawl into a black hole and never come out. 

But being bit takes the cake for me. I HATE being bit. And today...I got bit. 

(That's my left forearm, right at the wrist. The teeth marks had faded by this point.) 

I have a few friends who do not work in the field. They can't understand how I didn't clock the girl in the head. Some of them are angry with her. I will admit, my initial reaction was to punch her, but...I value my job and having a steady source of income, so I didn't. Immediately following the incident, I was REALLY mad. Then I cooled off and realized...not mad...just sad for her. And for the girl who attacked the biter that caused her to go ape-shit, and then bite me while I attempted to control her. And sad for me a little bit too. 

Today work hurt, for a few people. And not just physically. Today, work is sad to me. And that's ok to be sad about it for everyone involved.

The doctor who checked me out told me my arm was going to be on fire in a couple of hours due to minor but deep nerve damage. She told me I needed blood work done to make sure I have not been exposed to blood born pathogens, and a tetanus shot as well.

The nice and gentle doctor also told me I'm an angel for working where I do, which made me chuckle. My mental image of angels, especially the guardian types of angels, is NOT the typical "white robed, winged, harp playing" types of things. Guardian angels, in my humble opinion, are the angels who chose to slum it. 

In my mind, they look more like this: 

(For the record I am fully aware that these two are characters from the "Death" graphic novels by Neil Gaiman, but in my mind this is what guardian angels look like.) 

So...why the dark and brooding stuff instead of the cliche "clad in all white" angel? You ever seen where guardian angels have to hang out? Trust me...after a life time or two of that stuff, you'd be all dark and brooding too. Being an labeled an "angel" just made me laugh, but not in a light hearted, "golly thanks" kind of a way. More like a slightly cynical cackle. 

Maybe we (my coworkers and I) are angels. Who knows. But if we are then I will tell you this: angels swear a lot, they cry often, they wear a lot of sweatshirts and jeans and chuck taylor tennis shoes. They may have some questionable ways of coping with the realities of their life's calling but they try really hard to use healthy coping skills. They are pretty jaded and have a rather dark sense of humor that others my find appalling. They understand the complexities behind bites and scratches and being called names. They struggle to make peace with it pretty much every day. Sometimes they can. Other times...not so much. But overall, they keep doing the job because frankly...anything else would make them feel like they'd stepped into the wrong skin. They are tough, kind, caring, bitchy, mean, loving beings. 

Anyway...today was a rough one. I need a pizza and some pain meds, a long hot shower, and bed. 

And a hug. 

Finding the "AND" Instead of Only Seeing the "OR."

This has been a topic of much interest in my life lately.

Not everything is this OR that, but can so often be this AND that. It seems to em that, usually, most situations are a "and" moment in life. It's our weird habit of turning them into "or" that just gets messily complicated and often dysfunctional.

Most of the kids I work with have "or" thinking. It's very black and white. Life is either good or bad, no room for the in between, or for any kind of balance whatsoever.

But here's the thing....

Life, even when it's most obviously horrible or obviously beautiful, is still rarely pure. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to be a pessimist or to say there's no such things as true happiness or sorrow. I know there is.

I'm just asking you to consider the following...

When two people get married, that's generally viewed as a wonderful thing, right? YAY! Happy couple!
Uh...ever SEEN a couple half way through wedding plans? Not so joyful. And let's face it, it IS an extremely stressful time in life. MAJOR change is difficult for all involved. Happy and hard time.

Don't even get me started on the "We're having a baby!" subject. Talk about a mix of happiness, fear, joy, anxiety etc., etc., etc... But have you ever watched people react when a pregnant couple says anything but, "Oh yes we're totally excited!" There's generally an awkward silence or look of disdain. It's ok to be totally freaked that you're all of a sudden going to be in charge of another living persons life. That's EXTREMELY stressful AAAAAND EXTREMELY joyful.

Now let's consider a slightly different topic: contracting a major illness.
BOO. HISS. NOTHING good will come of this!!! Really? Nothing? At all? Because I'm pretty sure that living through extremely difficult times (loss of a loved one, loss of a job, insert random tragic even here), gives us a new and completely different perspective on life. It we can, if we're open to it, these moments teach us some compassion, humility, appreciation for new things. It isn't always ALL bad. That's not to say that it's fun, or pleasant, or that I would wish it the majority of people on the planet. But...ALL bad? I think not. Sometimes, crappy things will show us quite clearly who values us, who we can count on, and how deep friendships and relationships can really be.

Consider ANYTHING that happens that is life altering in a seemingly negative way, something that shakes us to pieces right to the center of who we are. What's left after all the rubble and dust settle? What's left after our character has been pushed to the limits and somehow, surprisingly, we are still standing? Generally, what's still there is the a stronger, more patient, refined, wise human being.

From where I stand, my perspective, is that what's left is an opportunity to build a new foundation. To start again. Exhausting? Of course. Is it what we planned on or wanted? Clearly it is not. There may be no pain in life worse than a forced clean slate or fresh start. Alas, that is what we are handed, and it is up to us to either dwell in the ruins, or find a way to rebuild a newer, better, more appreciative and centered version of us. How can it be better than what we had before? Because we are now armed with a different perspective and will see possible weaknesses in the foundation before they become major cracks.

One key to seeing the "and" vs the "or" is to simply accept what is. Convincing ourselves that reality is different than what it actually is makes it so we can try to avoid pain. People spend a great deal of time and energy and money and health trying to push off negative or uncomfortable feelings or situations. Keeping your head in the sand only prolongs the inevitable (which, let's be honest, isn't often as bad as we think.)

No change, no matter how necessary or painful or good or joyful or an amazing mix of all of them, will happen in a way that helps us until we can do our best to observe our life from a neutral point of view. Step outside of yourself and truly look at what's happening. Delay emotionally processing til you've scanned the landscape. Look at the situation logically. Rationally. And then find a way to have emotion AND logic work hand in hand. An imbalance of either, or a desire and effort to avoid either, will only prove to be far more painful than expected.

Life is full of beautiful, painful, lonely, fulfilling, tragic, joyful moments.

And usually, they are all happening at exactly the same time. Find a way to let yourself see the good, even in the most painful of times. Find the "and."

(P.S. This is being written as much as a reminder to myself as to anyone. By no means do I think I am perfect in this, I sometimes just need to put thoughts into writing to help shake into shape what it is I'm thinking.)

Here We Go Again! (And Today, We Smash Boobs)

I have not posted a blog for a looong time. Longer than I thought.

I didn't post one when I ran my second half marathon, which seems weird to me in hind sight but that's besides the point.

Why haven't I been posting? For a few reasons:
1) My job is draining. Physically, mentally and emotionally it is exhausting. On my days off I often sit on my sofa and rock back and forth, whimpering in a dazed state of recovery. By the time I have to go back, I almost feel human again.
2) Because of said scenario explained above, I have become a very boring person indeed. This leaves little to write about. I have realized the last few weeks that I am incredibly dull and am feeling lifeless. It's time to shake things up!!!

I have goals damnit.
I have things I want to do.
I am a sucker of the marrow of life!!! ( Ok not really, but I do like to live a little. Seriously. I do.)

So here I am, early morning on Feb. 12, 2013. Battling a migraine and getting ready for a "life's first" moment. Today....my boobs get smashed. Don't worry, it's going to be done by a professional and it's strictly for medical purposes.

And I am pretty nervous. And I don't think I'll be all smiles like this lady is:

It's probably nothing. I'm pretty sure it's just you're average, "You're a chick, deal with it," kind of a thing.

So that's what I'll do. I'll deal with it.

And after that, I think I'll go to California, maybe quit my job, and take out a loan for nursing school. Time to get busy living.