Shift

Stop.
Pause.
Let me think.
Your reality
Has pushed me
To an incomprehensible
Edge.
Stop.
Pause.
Let me think.
As my reality
Is adjusting.

Messy

Tonight at work was a drama queen night. For some reason, well over half the girls I work with had emotional break-downs. Nine teenage girls, in tears, wailing, and looking for someone else to solve their dilemma. Sorry ladies. My job is to teach you how to solve them on your own, not do it for you.

Plus...I sort of had a melt down of my own earlier...

I screwed up at work. In a semi-big way. My coworker caught it before the mistake grew into anything to horrible and by doing so, prevented drama of the employee/supervisor type. She pulled me aside and said it's not like me to be so forgetful and am I ok.

Uh...no I am not.

At least not at work.

I can't stand clear as mud directions, roles, and expectations. Indecision drives me bonkers. And this is exactly the problem at my job.

This make me feel like life is a mess.

When life feels messy I become messy. My car, apartment, my hair, my thoughts become unkempt. My sleep becomes erratic, which makes the rims of my eyes red (not an attractive look on anyone.) The stress of it all effect my health (What's this I feel? A sore throat and swollen glands on my neck? Nice.)

Solution? I'm not sure it's anything I personally can solve.

On the plus side, I can run again. Do I have have some kind of weird growth in my femur that isn't very comfortable? Yeah, but so far it looks harmless. The crappy hips are actually caused by old back injuries, easily solved with physical therapy.  This is excellent news!

And right now it looks like the South Dakota job is on the top of the list (decision is good.) I like knowing this, despite it not being my first choice of places I'd like to live.

See? Not everything in my life is messy.

Just the part that pays me, that's all.

Damn.
(a poem I composed around 5:30 in the morning but didn't post til now)
There is a hang nail on my toe
How it got there I do not know
Snagging on my silky sheet
It wakens me from dreams so sweet
Annoying pain from foot to head
I now must rise from my comfy bed
I had a hang nail on my toe
How it got there I do not know.

Just because they made me laugh...(caution: contains a swear word)

A facebook friend of mine posted these on her page and they made me chuckle. Here's why...

For the poster above: Some people who know me know that I can be empathetic to a fault. Just ask my mom and dad for the famous over-shoes rescue story. This is something I've had to learn to control over the years. It's easy to walk all over those who are very empathetic. Being able to feel the pain of others often leads to the empathetic person to not want to hurt those around them. Why would you want to cause other people pain if you know you're just going to feel it yourself? Right?

The thing that made me chuckle about that poster is that my MBTI is indeed INFJ. Generally we are thought of as a quite, kind, caring group, all of which are true. What many people miss is that INFJ's are much like cute, cuddly, seemingly innocent kitties. Warm and funny on the outside, but with claws, sharp teeth, and oddly quick reflexes that will sometimes strike at unannounced moments. Or as my other friend put it, like a jellyfish. Quietly minding my own business until ZAP!!! Out of nowhere, a sting. So, are we INFJ's an extremely empathetic bunch? Yeah. But we have no problem using that empathy to our advantage. Evil? Nah. Just a really great survival skill.

Ok so obviously this poser came from the same place as the other. Don't feel left out if you're MBTI type is different. They make posters for all types.

Why do I like this one?

You know how sometimes you'll be sitting in a room full of people and there's that one person sitting off to the side, quietly observing or maybe even looking uninterested. Then all of a sudden they chuckle at something and the timing of that chuckle seems out of place? That's me. Then some genius gets the idea to say, "What's on your mind Polly? Tell us what you're thoughts are on the topic." And generally, my initial reaction is EXACTLY what's written on that poster.

INFJ's have an uncanny ability to see people and situations for what they really are. If you want a no bull-shit answer, ask an INFJ. Just brace yourself for the reply. It may come across like an encounter with the previously mentioned kitty. There's a reason INFJ's are quiet. They've learned that their opinions and thoughts are often unpopular due to their blunt honesty, or total randomness. Sometimes I do a decent job at cushioning my delivery. Sometimes, and if I'm good it's by a conscious choice, not so much.

A Different Take on the Guardian Angel...

For some reason, as I was driving home last night, a conversation I'd had with my friend popped into my head. She'd asked my why I do the kind of work I do. Interesting question. This started me thinking about how hard the kids are in the facility where she works (and where I use to) and that in many ways she's like a guardian angel for these kids, at least while they are there.

Then I thought about actual, real guardian angels and how the image we're given when we're little kids is that of a wise, smiling, kind faced person with big white wings. "Yeah right!" I thought. With all the crap those angels see and have to mentally and emotionally process, I bet they are actually a bunch of cynical, jaded, hard looking beings. White fluff wings? Not a chance. Worn through jeans, faded t-shirts and slip on vans? More likely. Possibly even a piercing or two, tattoos to represent the extremely difficult cases...

But...deeply hidden somewhere in their chest, protected from the demons they have to chase off, is a heart that's been through the refiners fire. Solid gold. These angels might look tough, but they are indeed capable of incredibly deep love. They have to be.

Much like people who work in treatment centers, and in similar positions in life, these angels know that it's their calling. It's what they're meant to do, why they were created. They know if they went off to do something different for the rest of eternity, they would always feel a pull back to their original job. They would know that the things they've seen and watched, the hell they've gone through with these fragile humans, has changed them, has broken their wings, has taken away some of the simplicity and purity they had, but has also made them ten times stronger than any other regular old angel.

Dark, jaded, cynical, sometimes overwhelmed and fighting against hopelessness, yet blessed in secret ways only they know...

I hope there are good therapists in heaven. Those angels are going to need them.

As for my friend who works with the really, really hard kids... I think she's an angel, temporarily slumming.