Grocery Shopping 101

There are so many things to keep in mind when making an effort to eat healthier. Whole grains, multi grain grains, low fat, high fiber, low calorie... It can get a little crazy and extremely confusing. It's hard to remember that the food industry is actually NOT invested in your health, but is actually more interested in making money than whether or not you develop type II diabetes or heart disease. Like any corporation, profit is key. Making a profit is not a bad thing, it keeps the economy churning and healthy. The important thing for you to remember, dear consumer, is that although the economy may be on a rebound and becoming healthier, you may not be.

So what's a person to do? Remember these simple rules when at the grocery store:

* Stick to the outside of perimeter of the store (bakery section NOT included...sneaky grocers.) This is where the healthy stuff is kept. You'll notice that the frozen food section is smack dab in the middle of the store. This is where ice cream, and highly processed, instant-microwave-full of salt stuff is kept. Unless you are going for frozen fruit or veggies (you can probably get a fresh counterpart just as easily, but sometimes frozen are needed when budget and time constraints are taken into consideration) do NOT venture into this area. Outer rims of store: good. Close to the middle: bad. The Target Super Store by my house has become tricky and has put the ice cream on the outer edge area. It throws me off every time, but I have managed to resist for two months now, and if I can do it, anyone can.

* Become a package reader. If the ingredients include a long list of things with which you are not familiar, that your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize, don't buy it. This included breads, cereals etc etc... "But they are multi-grain!" you're saying. Doesn't matter. Multi-grain does NOT equal healthy. WHOLE grain is better and there's a big difference. If you must get food with ingredients lists that are scary long, go for whole grain, not multi grain.

* Low fat is not always better. It often means higher sugar or salt. Become educated on your health and what you need to change. If I am not careful, my blood pressure spikes VERY quickly. Low sodium is important for me. I also am VERY high risk for developing type II diabetes, so I need to pay close attention to the sugar content of foods. Low fat for me is not the best way to go. Generally speaking, I don't eat processed foods anymore so label reading has become less important to me. But if you insist on eat lots of food that comes in boxes, bags or from the freezer, read the labels and know your health.

*Eat a rainbow every day. No, not a bag of skittles. Your grocery cart should look like a rainbow, with something of every color in it, and I don't mean the packaging of the food you're buying. Fruits and vegetables of every color of the rainbow should be in your cart (and then actually make it into your mouth) when you shop.

*If you are a meat eater, there needs to be more the light, almost white colors of meat in your cart than the deep red. Think if the red color as a giant warning red light flashing at you. EAT WITH CAUTION! Red meat is bad for your heart, your arteries, pretty much your everything. If you just can't resist, and have to have a steak or a hamburger, make it a special occasion. You will enjoy it more when you do eat it, your heart will thank you, you'll live longer, and overall be healthier.

Adjusting how one eats takes time, practice and determination. It will pay off in spades though. Your family might wonder what is wrong with you, where are the snacks they are accustomed to, and when things are going to go back to  "normal." The truth is, eating simply, eating fresh foods, eating healthy, is what is "normal" to your body, as well as your kids and the body of your significant other. Is it an adjustment? Yes. But really, it's worth it. Promise.

To Sleep or Not to Sleep?

For many people I know, THAT is the real question. We all know exercise is good for us. We all know eating healthy is also good for us. We all know that a decent amount of sleep is good for us as well. And yet SO many people chose to do none and slack in all of the areas. For me, they seem to be three pieces of the same puzzle, with the end result being: healthier person. The last couple of months have taught me that when I exercise, the quality of sleep I get is much better. I want to exercise when I eat healthier and I feel much better and have more energy when I do all three.

So here's what I am struggling with: When I am tired, and I don't mean the "I could go for a nap" tired I mean the "I am falling asleep while standing in line at the grocery store" tired, do I workout first to make sure I get it in for the day and THEN sleep, or sleep, and hope I have time for the workout? I know I need both. I know both are important. Finding a balance, on some days, is proving to be a bit tricky.

Here's the way it typically goes: I generally sleep for 7-8 hours night. I am blessed to have the time for that right now. I use to be sleep deprived but these last two months have been good for me in that department. Occasionally I struggle to fall asleep, and sometimes I wake up a little earlier than I prefer, but overall, I do well in this area. Then, like clockwork, every day between 12:30-3:00 I get sleepy. I mean like, I ACHE I am so drowsy and I want to throw a tantrum because I can't sleep (but this would make me look absolutely ridiculous, so I don't.) I have to stand up or do something that requires cognitive functioning (notes for work, help a kid study etc etc) because if I sit, I WILL fall asleep, and it will be sudden and often without warning. I am not kidding. This is a problem because that is the EXACT time of day the kids at work are in study hall. My job for an hour during that time: sit and watch them in a silent, warm room.

Anyway...not the point.

So today I was home from work during the witching hours and I sat down...and I blinked...and when I opened my eyes two hours had passed (and I had drooled, lovely.) Why had I sat down? To put on my running shoes! I guess if I am falling asleep that quickly it is probably a sign I needed the rest. When I woke up I felt great. I walked to get my car from the mechanic, went grocery shopping (did NOT fall asleep standing in line, always a bonus), and now I am home, writing this, after which I will be going to workout. So today it worked for me to sleep first, then exercise. But generally it doesn't happen that way. Generally, I fall asleep, get up, take care of a few things, make dinner, and then all motivation is lost to exercise.

I guess there isn't one clear answer. Maybe it's best to approach this on a day by day basis. And maybe I'm a narcoleptic (ok not really but sometimes I do wonder.) And maybe I just need to stick with what works (exercise first then workout) because either way, I will still have that weird tired wash over me until I finally go to bed so I may as well exercise first, making sure I get it in.

Oh hey, one more thing totally not related to this post: I have not had a problem with head aches since I started this little experiment. Keeping in mind that they have been mostly hormone related and I am currently (as of two weeks ago) not taking any birth control ($275 to fill my prescription?! I think not) we will see how this month goes. REALLY hoping diet changes, sleep and exercise will help. The experiment continues!

Total Bomb

Today...I totally bombed. Huge. It's the weekend at work when all the parents come into town for a couple days of groups and face to face family sessions etc etc... AND...the weekend when there is junky, sugary, sweet, gooey goodness everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE.

So I walked in at 6:45 this morning and though, "Chocolate chip cookie for breakfast? I didn't make my usual healthy breakfast so... Ok!" BIG mistake. The sugar fest just continued from there.

Now, here I am at home, feeling the side effects (stomach ache, VERY tired, cranky, and a craving for more sugar.) I have, in my fridge, a nice bunch of fresh broccoli. This will be my dinner, along with a piece of chicken or salmon.

Total bomb earlier today but.... NEVER too late to turn it around.

(And can I just say that logging what I eat AFTER it had happened is probably not the best idea? Entering it into my app BEFORE, so I can see the damage prior to actually doing anything is for sure the way to go. One more lesson learned.)

I have to work again tomorrow. I will go MUCH better prepared and with MUCH more conviction to be stronger than the cookies, and muffins, and hot tamales, and...yeah, like I said...it was bad today.

Tomorrow is a new day, fresh and clean with no mistakes in it. (Thank you Ms.Stacy from "Anne of Green Gables" for that daily baptism. It seriously does help me when I am wanting to beat myself up.)

Oh!Oh!Oh!!!!

On the upside: Yesterday I went running. Not walking/jogging, nope. I went out and I RAN! I listened to my favorite podrunner podcast, and did one of the daily training sessions to get ready for a 5k, and when the lady said, "Walk," I slowed down to a jog, but kept on going. Then when the "Run" command was given, I RAN!!!! Seriously, like, super, duper RUNNING. (For the record, the running times were much longer than the walking.) I was impressed with myself. I walked during the cool down session, but Simon and Garfunkel came on my ipod and it was "Cecilia" and "Me and Julio," two songs that are virtually impossible not to do a tiny bit of dancing to. So as I walked the last bit of the way home, I also danced a tiny bit. And it made me happy, so I smiled as I walked and danced my way through a 5 min cool down. It was a GREAT day and almost makes today's total mess up not seem quite so horrible.

The Ever Elusive Protein

I sit here at 10:30 at night, looking at my daily nutrients and realize that once again, I am short on protein. 

*sigh*

My solution tonight? Chobani Greek Yogurt, plain, non-fat, lightly sweetened with stevia. That brought me to my daily goal of 70-80 grams. On hard workout days I aim for much more (120 grams). Not being a big meat eater, this can be difficult. 

                                          

                                                        Here's what I have found that helps: 

*Greek yogurt (see above, it's high in protein and low in sugar in comparison to other yogurts out there, not full of artificial crap

*Fish, fish and more fish. It cooks quickly, is light tasting, filling and makes my skin look absolutely wonderful :)

*Protein powders, namely Amazing Meal and RAW brands. 

*Chicken on salads. It makes an average mix of dark greens, some random veggies and nuts SUPER tasty.  

*When desperate, cheese, but last time I checked I had high cholesterol so I have to limit it.

*Hummus 

*Eggs: They are tasty little buggers. I still have to be careful with them (see note with cheese) but they cook up quickly and are very versatile!

And so far, that's it. 

Suggestions? Anyone?

Goals Some May Think Are Silly...

...but to me they are not silly at all.

* I want my legs to look good when I dress and heals. 

* I want to be able to wear clothes from LuLu Lemon, Title Nine and Athleta and not look completely silly in them. 

* I want a strong, sexy back so I can wear tank tops and swim suits and not feel embarrassed.

* I want to have only one chin. 

* I don't want wiggly, old lady arms, the kind that look like a turkey gobbler. 

* I want to be able to open jars without having to run the lid under hot water or banging it with a knife first. 

* I want to be proud of how I look, which I am not right now. 

I know that appearance is not the best reason to be healthy or fit, but lets face it, to pretend that it is not part of the reason would be untrue. Nobody likes to be the fat girl, not ever her. No one wants to be the one who would be pretty, if only she could lose some weight. I'm improving. Quickly. I see myself differently. I can see a fit person inside of me when I stand in front of a mirror. There are hints of abs, biceps, and strong hamstrings, quads etc etc... I am in there, the real me. The cover is being shed, pound by pound. And someday, I'll pull on a dress, put on sandals, and when I step out into the world it will feel as normal as the jeans and bulky tops I wear now to try to hide the current truth. Yup...someday, a dress will feel completely natural... Exciting to think about :)

(As of yesterday...have shed 15 lbs this year and have swapped 2.6% of fat for muscle.) 

And the Running Continues

Weight training continues to elude me. I really need to make an investment of $10 a month to my local Planet Fitness so I can use their weights.

The running is going well though and for this I am extremely grateful. No injuries (knock on wood.) I also feel like I'm just getting more comfortable doing it. When I first started running again I felt like a very uncoordinated, very overweight, non-runner who was trying her best to fake it. Now I'm feeling slightly like a real runner, although still a slightly overweight one. The weight comment having been said, I am quite pleased with my accomplishments. The coordination may always be an issue (see extensive family tree of awkward folks), but at least I now feel like I have some control over what I'm doing and am not flailing about as I stumble along. I actually look like I an running. VERY nice to experience.

Eating is also on track...mostly. I am waiting for money to transfer from one account to another and while it's floating in virtual bank limbo, I have run out of some of the basics. Which brings me to a VERY important point: PLAN AHEAD!!!! Not just with WHAT I'm going to eat, but with how long it's going to take to prep it, how I'm going to get it to work etc etc...

Eating well and exercising, as it turns out, forces one to become organized in other areas of life as well. Want time to have a healthy breakfast before work? Better get up earlier, which means you better get to bed earlier, which means no dawdling. Want to wear a clean t-shirt when you work out tomorrow? Better keep up on the laundry. Plan to eat fresh fruits and veggies all month? Time to budget that meager income. You get the idea.

It's nice, how having focus in one area of life can help align a few others as well. Especially when so much else seems to be crumbling apart.

On a strictly personal life level: I got to skype with X-Man tonight :) Always makes me so very happy. I miss him. I miss lots of people right now. It's time for me to move closer to him. It means I'll be further from others I love but, sometimes life just whispers, "It's time," and when that happens, it's impossible to ignore.

Eating Through the Rough Times

Hard couple of days. Broken hearted and crying (like, ice-packs on my eyes they are so swollen, blowing snot bubbles crying.)

The problem? ZERO appetite. None. For two days. Nothing. I made myself eat a little, as much as I could, but really, it was pretty pathetic.

Exercise: also none. Not smart, I don't think, to exercise when one is running on empty calorie-wise.

I guess taking two days to be sad over something that is a really difficult thing is ok. Today, doing better. Pushing through and eating a normal amount of food. Generally, under-eating has not been an issue for me in life so I doubt this will last long. The good thing is, if this had been even two months ago, I would have turned to junk food. At least now, despite not eating much, when I DID eat, it was all very healthy, nutritionally dense foods.

Progress in one area, despite sadness. Go me?

The Extension of the Adjustment to a New and More Fit Life Continues!

So kids, what did we learn this week?
A few things:

1) Fiber is important. Eat quite a bit of it. Especially once you body has adjusted to having healthy quantities on a regular basis. If, for some reason, you go a day with not very much, you WILL regret it. Trust me.

2) SLEEP! Healthy amounts of sleep=sanity. Even a few hours shortage in this category= mentally unstable, depressed, irrational, crying out of control me. Exercise? Yeah right! Not when I'm already running on empty. This also makes me want to eat crappy food. Not just sort of crappy. I'm talking sitting down with a bag of white sugar and eating it by the spoonful crappy. I shorted myself out two nights this week and basically had a total meltdown today. After walking dogs, I came home and went to bed and slept for six hours straight. Self care includes more than eating right and exercising. Today was a rough one. Sleep helped. And no, it will not keep me awake tonight. I was THAT short on rest that I was able to take a six hour "nap" today and still be tired at bedtime.

3) I can do a 5k. Ok so I can't run the whole thing yet BUT...I went out to go running/walking as part of my "you agreed to do half a marathon so you better keep training or you'll look like a moron come race day" routine and generally go for about 27 minutes (following a training program on my ipod.) But TODAY, I did TWO training sessions, and it ended with me doing just over a 5k (we won't be discussing how long that took). I swear the majority of it was uphill (although logically I know this is not possible since I went in a big circle) and I am already sore (yay!), and quite pleased with myself.
4) Even though there are many thing frustrating me in life right now, healthy food, good sleep, and exercise ALWAYS help me feel better.

And so the saga continues...

(Good night wonderful world. I am off to sleep...perchance to dream...)

Day 30

Ok I actually think yesterday was day 30. My thought was that I would go from Jan 9-Feb 9 but that's actually 32 days but whatever.

Here are my thoughts and outcomes on this experiment:

In 30 days I lost ten lbs total. I swapped 2% of my body fat for muscle mass. My resting heart rate is down 10-15 beats per minute and even though my heart rate during working out is still in the high range, it is, on average, 20-30 fewer beats per minute lower than it was at the start as well. My skin is clearer. My allergies are improving. (Potential over share here: I have not had a yeast infection since one week into this, which trust me, is a freaking miracle. I credit the lack of sugar in my diet for this exciting change!) I don't get chest pain when I work out anymore and my heart doesn't do this weird pounding thing it use to do at random times. My blood pressure is a few points off from being in the "totally healthy this is where your blood pressure should be" zone, which makes me EXTREMELY excited. I wish I could have a blood draw done and compare the numbers to what they were last September, which is when I has the last one done. At that time, I my bad cholesterol was high (not a shock) and my good was at a decent level but needed to be brought up. I had virtually no vitamin D, and it was clear I was pushing type II diabetes. I would love to see if these things have improved.

I am down a pant size. I can touch my toes. As odd as it sounds my sense of taste is much sharper. I can confidently go for a jog, knowing I will be able to finish the entire thing no problem. I have less joint pain overall. I can see muscles again, can hold a plank for a full 30 seconds (I started at 10 seconds and my goal is to be able to do a minute by the end of the month.) My stress and anxiety levels are manageable and although I still struggle a little with depression, it feels more manageable. I don't know that fitness and nutrition will completely take those two issues away (depression and anxiety) but they certainly have helped them improve a great deal.

Here's a review of what I did over the past 30 days:
I logged EVERYTHING I ate. I ate only fresh foods, nothing processed. For meats, ate fish three times a week, otherwise ate chicken (with one exception at one meal when I had roast beef). Made sure I had 5 servings of veggies a day and at least 2 servings of fruits. They had to be fresh! Nothing from a can. I did allow frozen berries to count but ate fresh whenever I could. I snuck in veggies at snack time and added fresh fruit to my morning hot cereal and I ate only whole grains. I did not limit the amount of veggies I ate. I avoided sugary foods, but didn't completely cute them out of what I was eating (a treat once a week was ok, although it usually threw me off for a day a two while I fought intense sugar cravings.) I had nuts or seeds every day. I exercised, intensely, 3-4 times a week, sometimes more.

So, turns out the experts are right. Eat lots of fresh veggies, fruit and whole grains, eat few if any processed foods, exercise regularly, and you will be healthier. For me, it's not just a little bit healthier. I think this life-style will seriously prolong how much time I have here on this planet with loved ones.

Will I continue with this way of living? Um, yeah. It's kind of a no brainer. Want to live? Then do this. Always. There are a few things I will allow back into my diet, although they will appear in healthier forms: chips in a low sodium, whole or multi-grain form. (because chips and salsa are a killer good snack) and vanilla almond milk. It's great to use for mixing up the protein shake I like.

So there we are. The 30 Day Anti-Supersize Me Experiment is complete, but the habits shall continue. And I will continue to blog because it's a great way for me to process what I'm learning and experiencing. I still have so many goals to reach and they won't be accomplished by going back to old ways. So I continue to be a healthy eating, exercising, fit, active person.

Next BIG goal: half marathon in June :)

This Weeks Numbers (and almost day 30)

Alright, so I didn't go running last night. I fell asleep (sitting up) on the couch shortly after writing my post. BUT...I woke up early early this morning and went running at 5:00 am. I LOVED it. I was in a better mood at work. I was more awake all day. I had many compliments on how awake, bright and happy I seemed. When I was out on my run/walk/get ready for a half marathon, it was so peaceful and quiet and the air was extremely crisp (and by crisp I mean cold.) No but seriously, I loved it and think it will be part of my work day routine. 

Yesterday I was apparently more out of sorts than I realized. I totally forgot to weigh in and check my numbers. This weeks outcome: weight is exactly the same HOWEVER: I swapped a full percentage in body fat and muscle mass. Sweeeeet. I so badly want to be toned and muscly. For me, that is my main focus. I did a happy dance when I saw that change! My clothes are fitting better, and much more comfortably. Bonus! So far this is the biggest jump in body fat and muscle mass, very happy me :) It's the incentive I needed! Woo hoo!!! 

Today, feeling better about things in general. Today, no desire to give up or quite. Today it all makes sense and seems possible. 

I read somewhere that the difference between people who truly make changes in their health and weight don't do it because they have more will power, but because they are simply ready to do it. I know will power plays a part in all of this. If you don't want it, it simply won't happen. Lack of desire to eat crap or be lazy will trump will power any day. 

Ya gotta want it folks. And ya gotta want it bad.

And I do. 

I WILL Do This. No Matter WHAT!!!

Ok. Today was a long day. Michael's six month check up complete, all good news, which then leads to a lot of weird emotions. Everything from relief, to intense joy, to anger that the appointment had to happen in the first place. I love Michael. I hate cancer. 

So how does this impact the rest of my day? I am wiped out. I want to go to bed. After a restless night of very little sleep and really weird dreams (some good, some sad), I just want to go to bed. 

BUT...

I can feel the momentum leaving and that simply is not ok. I HAVE to be successful at being a fit person. This HAS to be my way of life. An emotionally overloaded day can not derail me. In fact, it needs to be all the more reason to get out and go running (even if it is on a treadmill because it's too dark out and there aren't good sidewalks for me to stick to around here.) Treadmill running is better than no running at all. I will be proud of myself for doing it. I will be a more sane person. My heart, and the rest of my health, will thank me as well. 

I am a fit person. I exercise 4-5 days a week. It's what I do. Come hell or high water. Especially when I'm mad at cancer. And thrilled with life. (Man, that's an exhausting couple of emotions to manage at the same time.)

                                                              

Day 27

So, in case you couldn't tell, Thursday was pretty much crap-tastic. The thing to know is that it wasn't that bad in the "eating and exercise" department. It was all work, life, self-esteem related (side-bar: teenage girls are difficult, teenage girls in treatment take that level of difficult and put it on steroids.) I did have a reminder that sugar makes me pretty much bat shit crazy, and makes me physically feel pretty horrible too. The longer I go without eating it on a daily basis, the more it impacts me when I do have it, especially if I have not exercised that day. 

So after realizing all of that about sugar, what did I do last night? Had friends over and ate some sugar (dark chocolate covered almonds are either straight from heaven or imported directly from hell, I can't decide.) The good thing about last night was that I felt myself losing control and got it under wraps. I was pretty pleased with myself. Today I came home from work and what did I discover one of my friends had left? The jar of mostly eaten, but not entirely, dark chocolate covered almonds. I ate some (seven to be exact) and then...put the lid on the jar and placed the rest of them in the freezer. 

I know it is unrealistic of me to say I will never eat sugar again in my life. I also know I need to develop a reasonable relationship with the stuff. Because who have I learned is in charge when it comes to what I eat? Not my emotions. Not my cravings. Me. So here I sit, veggies steaming on the stove, chocolate goodness in the freezer, and I am totally ok with not eating them RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!! In fact, I am looking forward to having them some other time. 

OAN: Today at work we did a 5k, in the snow...with an obstacle course twist. There were three groups of kids. The runners. The runners/walkers. And the walkers. I was assigned to the walkers. At first I was mildly irritated because I wanted to be with the runners/walkers but I got over it, ESPECIALLY once we started walking. Not as easy as it sounds, walking 5k on lightly groomed, slightly deep snow (especially when keeping up the morale of 4 girls is part of this whole thing.) I did all the obstacles but one (sledding, worried about my back going out, sounds lame but very true.) There was lots of climbing of ropes and wooden walls, jumping jacks, belly crawls and shooting of clay thingies with sling shots, and it was really fun!!! Who knows, maybe I'll consider doing the Dirty Dash this spring...(maybe, I don't want to ruin my running shoes.) At the end of it all today, my feet were freezing and soaking wet, my cheeks slightly wind burned, and I was very happy. (Oh, and I wore my old shoes today, not my brand new ones.) I really do enjoy playing outside so very, very much!

Day 25 (the day I tried Zumba)

I really wanted to like it. I tried it at the Murray Rec Center with the girls from work and we had an absolute blast, so I was really excited. I figured I'd save a little on gas and go to the rec center closer to my house.

Here's how it went down...

I arrived a little early in case I got lost (a common occurrence for me) and to talk to the instructor, hoping to go over some of the basics. The instructor was late. No biggie.
There were four other women there when I entered the room. They were stretching and chatting...about the best divorce lawyer around, whom they were all using. Seemed a little odd but hey, word of mouth is powerful and if you need a good lawyer, why not use one that your fellow Zumba-mates tell you is good.

Right?

Then they all went to their bags and pulled out bangle covered scarves and tied them around their hips. Ok...again, seems a little odd but whatever. It was clear they were all good friends and it's nice to see a level of camaraderie (a word I can now spell thanks to helping kids at work study their vocab). They said hi to me and promised I would love it. I really thought I was going to. I was VERY excited.

Then the teacher arrived. She was petite, about 5'2", and had a figure that rivaled Dolly Partons, hair and make-up to match, and pep too. A LOT of pep. (Pep is not my thing. It's just...not. At all.)

During the class I had trouble reading her expressions, because her affect, despite her mouth pulling up in a smile-like way, was flat. Completely and totally flat. Took me a while to realize it was botox. And then, glancing around the room, I realized that me, about three other women, and the one man and the one teenage boy were the only ones in the whole class of about twenty-five who were displaying any kind of facial expression. I really prefer the kind of beauty that is much, much deeper than the muscles on your face, but I was trying so hard not to judge. I pretty much failed. How can I believe that the work out I'm getting is going to render real results if the instructor is quite obviously altered in not-so-real ways? It was a turn off to me to know, although it was clear that she was in good shape, she has also had a great deal of surgical help in lots of places. I all of a sudden very much missed CrossFit and the calloused handed, strong women one meets there. I like the way I am put together, especially when I am very fit. Like I said, major turn off.

The four soon-to-be-divorced women Zumba'd their butts off. Seriously. It was impressive. And intimidating. I get that going through that experience is absolute hell (really, I do) and you need an outlet so if Zumba is their thing, cool.

But for me...I'd rather throw a medicine ball around a warehouse, jump up on wooden boxes, do a BodyPump class, or go for a long trail run then go to that class ever again. Maybe it was the environment. Maybe it was the instructor. I really don't know. I just know it felt like all the bad parts of high-school all over again, where everyone else knows what's going on but me, where everyone else knows how to be the cool kid and the beautiful girl with the perfect nails, hair and make up (how do they keep it on even when they are sweating buckets, I don't get it). Where the freakishly coordinated cheerleader glances my way every so often with a brief "how does she make it down the hallway with such a lack of skills," expression, as hard to read as it was tonight. Somehow, I missed the day as a kid when those abilities were taught. I felt like a total lame-o tonight. I wanted to leave half way through, but I didn't.

I can't wait to go running tomorrow, and to do a gazillion push-up and crunches and anything else I can come up with.

I am not one of those pretty girls. I never have been. I never will be. And I hate that tonight I'm sad about it all over again. But I am strong in other ways, inside and out, and getting stronger every day. And for that, I am grateful, despite my lack of coordination, botox, and perfect finger nails.

Not Related to Eating or Exercise At All

Watched "50/50."
Too soon.
Probably should have waited til after Monday.
Follow up appointment. Making sure nothing has grown back in the past few months.
Thought I wasn't nervous about it.
Total melt down watching this movie.
Turns out, I am really nervous.
It just can't be back and that is all.

Because I am selfish.

Because I need him here, alive, and preferably cancer free, but I'll take him either way.

Because here with cancer is better than gone.