Dogs...

Why do people have dogs?

There is scientific proof that dogs are the only animals that read human emotion the exact same way humans do, and one study that says it registers in their brains faster than it registers in the human brain. So, maybe it's because they "get" how we're feeling.

Why do I like living with dogs?

It's nice not to be alone. It's nice to feel safe, like if someone tries to sneak in the dog will know way before I do, and will let me know. They can be funny. They are nice to talk to because they listen and never talk back, and often act as if what you are saying if absolutely fascinating. They help keep the floor free of food particles. They encourage me to exercise. They also encourage contact with other humans, if I want. Dog parks are full of quirky people who like to sit and talk about dogs as much as I do.

There are draw backs though...

It's nice to come home, kick off my shoes, and fall into bed without having to think about if the dog needs to eat or go for a little walk so poop happens outside and not inside my apartment. This is especially nice when the weather is less than perfect.

It's nice to drop something on the floor and know that the five second rule applies and whatever I dropped won't be covered with fur when I pop it into my mouth. It doesn't matter how much one cleans. Dog hair is tricky and evasive of even the best cleaning devices. Got a dog with short fur? Sure...that's an option.

It's nice not to have to pay pet rent. Would not be a problem if I owned a home, alas...tis not my current situation in life.

It's nice to be able to have more free time. I don't HAVE to go hiking unless I want to, AND I can go where ever I want. Nothing is off limits due to water shed issues.

It's nice to leave food on the counter and know it will be there if I have to leave the room. It's nice to leave food on any surface with confidence really.

And should I ever actually go on a vacation again, I don't have to wonder who will take care of my dog while I am gone, and I won't miss my dog while I'm gone either. Bitter sweet.

On the other hand....

I miss falling asleep to the sound of a lightly snoring furry beast. It's comforting in an odd way, and use to make me feel so safe. Even though she's been gone two years, the sound of a deeply sleeping big dog still  has that Pavlovian effect of making me drowsy. I miss a lot of things about having a dog (one in particular.)

I miss a lot about having a dog.

If you've ever wanted one, and you're in a place in life where it would work for you to have one, get one. Do some research first.

How to do it right?

Make sure you get a breed (mixed or not), that fits you and/or your family. Go through a local rescue. A dog in a foster home will have a temporary family that can tell you about their energy level, weird quirks, strong points and where they need work.

Puppies are like a toddler with out a diaper and with extra sharp teeth that like shoes, sofa legs, pant cuffs, and kids toys. They are NOT for everyone and require a GREAT deal of time.

Most dogs will require at least one training class, so plan on that (usually one night a week for eight weeks, and practice time at home.)

Like people, the higher quality food a dog eats, the healthier and happier he or she will be, and the longer they will live. It's worth the extra money. Trust me. It will pay in spades with fewer vet visits, less stinky poo, less allergies for your dog etc etc....

Having a dog can take you're life and magnify all the good things about it. Under the right circumstances, a relationship with a dog is one of the few times in life you will be loved no matter what. No irritation from the dog, just pure love and appreciation.

Don't get me wrong, it takes work and effort, but it can so very worth it.

Someday...I'll have a dog again.

For sure.

Why I Am Not Posting Blogs Lately

Gosh Polly. It sure has been a while since you last posted a blog. What's going on? Why no posts?

Because.

Because I am working two jobs, am exhausted and seem to be permanently cranky and irritable. I am fully aware of the fact that when I am tired I become an emotional, irrational mess. I understand that I should not make any major life decisions at the end of a work week (Saturday or Sunday, and Mondays are iffy if I've had to work on a Sunday.)

I know people who work more than I do, who work more than I do AND go to school, who are far more stressed and busy than I am and I wonder why they don't seem to be a down right tired as I am.

I ask myself...
Do they too require 24-48 hrs of being in almost absolute solitude for a full recovery?
Do they struggle to stay awake in quiet waiting rooms at the eye doctor, or while standing in line at the grocery store.
Does the peace of the bathroom coupled with the white noise of the fan at their work make them nod off while sitting on the toilet?0
Are they totally ok with going an entire day without leaving their home or not speaking to another human being?

I get that I'm an introvert and need a little bit longer to recover than your average Jane but really? This seems slightly over the top.

I think I am just a sleepy person, require more hours of shut eye than most. My thyroid is being checked on Monday (tomorrow) just to see what comes up. The doctor noticed it's swollen (pssst doc...it's ALWAYS like that) but she's pretty sure it will come back a little off. If not, they'll check it out via ultrasound.

I don't think that's it. I really just think I'm a sleepy person.

BRAAIIINNNSSS...(ok so it's not really about eating brains...)

I am hungry. I had a little pizza earlier. It didn't sit very well. That's all I ate today. Just the little pizza. So it's understandable why I am no wondering, "What should I eat?"

The real problem is, I don't have much food in my apartment.

I don't want to go to the grocery store. When I do, even when I'm super hungry, nothing looks good.

Here's the standards: yogurt, berries, tea, some fresh greens, a small roast, usually a box of kashi, cheese and crackers and some other kinds of fruit. Rigth now, I do'nt even want that.

I'm thirsty. Super-duper thirsty. I usually love water, but I don't want any.

Maybe a cup of tea...

"If there's anything you need..."

Lately, I've been hearing the phrase 'If you need anything, let me know,” or some variation thereof. So, dear readers, I am letting you know what I need (and want.) This list is in no particular order. I'm simply writing it down as the thoughts occur....
(Ok so the real reason for this post is at the end, after the obnoxiously long, self-serving list. Feel free to skip to that part.)

• A downy ball. Small. Easy to use. Inexpensive. Why I haven't purchased one I do not know. Alas, I still haven't. I always forget when I'm at Target. So...I still end up double rinsing my laundry just so I can add the fabric softener.
• A really good pair of waterproof hiking boots. I want to do four local peaks this summer. Maybe five. I don't think my tennis shoes are going to cut it this year. This goal is deeply important to me for some very personal reasons. I NEED to do this. It's not a want. And I need some good boots to be able to do it.
• Along those lines, some good hiking socks too.
• A second job. This is a need, not a want.
• My leg and hips to be fixed. I think having a good pair of boots would help, but so would being able to afford (see previous item on this list) physical therapy, surgery, and all the doctor appointments leading up to those activities.
• My back to be fixed too. Same issue as above. It's freaking expensive.
• A new mattress. I don't think it's normal to wake up with with sore joints (ankles are the worst) from the springs in the mattress digging into you all night. Maybe I'm wrong buuut...I don't think so.
• A newer car with four or all wheel drive. I had an accident this past winter that I think wouldn't have happened if I had a car with either of those features. I actually like my car quite a bit. I have a strong sentimental attachment to it. It's a very respectable car. The high miles and cracked bumper have me worried. Will it pass safety and emissions? I don't know. How much longer will it last? No clue. Ever feel like the end is near, a feeling of impending doom? Yeah...me too.
• Bankruptcy. I need to file it. I've needed to for a while. Guess what? It costs about $1400 to do so. Ironic? You could say that. Either way, it needs to happen. Did I mention I need a second job?
• A sofa. This isn't a need, just a want.
• Chairs that are counter height, three or four of them. Also not a need, just a want.
• To be able to afford the gym. I miss it. I miss the muscles I had when I went. I miss having an outlet for irritation, frustration and all those other “negative” feelings. I miss the sense of strength and pride I had when I went regularly.
• A bike. So often I want to hop on my bike and ride to the store for a couple of things I need to get quickly. Too bad I don't own a bike. It was stolen. Lame. It could be a GREAT gas saver.
• Flowers for my deck, either in hanging baskets or a planter that can hang on the railing.
• A blender. I like to make smoothies.
• A “grow your own sprouts” and “grow your own wheat grass” and “grow your own herbs” kit. I like to eat all of the afore mentioned items, put them in smoothies, and stuff like that. Tasty little buggers!
• Sleep. A full nights sleep on a regular basis.
• A room mate. Not only do I want this for financial reasons, but for the whole “lonely” factor as well. It's officially over rated, being alone as much as I am.
• For things to go back to being how they were one month and one week ago, only without the whole unknown cancer thing.
• A way to fly Xander out here more often. He wants to come for his birthday and Easter. I can't afford either. He keeps asking. I feel horrible and hate having to say, “Maybe. We'll see,” when I know damn well what I need to say it, “We can't do that this year. I'm sorry sweet boy.”
• To be able to afford to make Michael a blanket, quickly. He needs it, and frankly I think I need to make it and know that he has it.
• A hug. Lots of them.
• Phone calls. Lots of those too.
• For things to go well for a couple of years. A break. Please.
• Some sort of reassurance that things will be ok again...soon.... They will, right?
• The means to hang up the Moroccan shelf and hang my pictures up on the wall. (Hammer, nails, drill, screw driver, and the drywall hangy kit thingy.)
• A clock for my vanity area.
• A vacation. A real one. The kind where you feel like your life has been altered for the better because of it. I'd settle for a camping trip in southern Utah for now though.
• A couple of good books to provide a healthy distraction.
• Size eight double pointed needles (needed to finish chemo hat for Michael.) Actually, what I REALLY want is a kit made by a company called “addi.” You can change the length of the needles and the circular connector (this will mean NOTHING to you unless you knit) and it's SOOO cool! In the same category, I want to take knitting classes to learn to do socks (the ones I've done have been royal disasters), cables and fair ilse patterns. But right now, I need the double pointed size eights...
• A way to pay for nursing school, and to not have to work while going. Yes, I realize how much money that is.
• All the prayers, from as many religions as possible, from as many people as possible, for Michael. I kinda dig him, and I kinda think the world is a better place because he's in it. I know I'm a better person because of him. So...I kinda want him to be around for a whole lot longer.

And that, friends and family, is what is needed and wanted right now in my life.

Telling someone, “If you need anything let me know,” is a sweet thing to say, but do you really mean it? I mean for real? What if that person said, “I need you to come over and help with laundry and cleaning. I've fallen way behind and am totally overwhelmed.” What would you do? What if they said, “I just need you to come over and sit in my bedroom til I fall asleep.” Or, “I keep forgetting to eat. Can you help me remember?” Instead, I think we all expect that trite response. “Ok thanks....” knowing full well they won't actually tell us. Maybe, instead, be proactive. Ask when you can come over to help cook and/or clean. Ask when they would like to go for a walk, and then lend a listening ear. Ask what day works best for them for you to take their kids to the park for a couple of hours. Randomly bring by flowers and let them know they aren't alone. I'm not a hugger, but goodness knows I need them lately. Do I really expect anyone to get me a car, a mattress, an expensive pair of hiking boots? No silly. I don't. This is more to help people realize what they're saying when they speak.

“If there's anything you need....”

It's not a question of “if,” but of “how soon,” and “what will be needed.”

Yup...it's like that...

CAUTION: lots of curse words!!!!
(Don't say I didn't warn you.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DqHDdqubE7zQ

Thank you Warren. Well said.

My Current State of Being

Phone call. Bad news. The worst. Tears start. Hang up. Call mom. Cry more. Hang up. Scream and curse and cry more.

Shock.

Foggy brain. More phone calls. Send texts to best friends.

Sit in shock. Realize I work in the morning. Sleep.

Wake up. Go to work with foggy brain. Smile. Deflect questions pertaining to my well being. Pretend it didn't happen to make it through the 8 hr shift. Go home. Cry more. Talk on phone more. Brian still foggy.

World is a pool and I can't catch my breath. More tears. Will they ever stop?

No, probably not.

Friend time. We go out. We eat and talk. I drink root beer.

Home. Tears.

Sleep. Sort of.

Wake up. Wonder why so tired and shaky. Remeber: need more food. What sounds good? Nothing. Maybe ice cream. Drive to store. Decide "chocolate chocolate chip" is do-able. Back home, eat it...and promptly throw up. Ice cream: bad.

Do research. Learn sugar feeds cancer. Hate the root beer I had. Am glad I threw up the ice cream.

Go for a drive. Rent a movie. Sit in car in empty parking lot and cry and scream some more. Get out of car and throw rocks at tree. Scream obscenities at innocent tree. It has deeper roots. Tree is fine. I am not. Feel like I'm floating and can't breathe. Sit down on wet ground. Sob and don't even try to stop it. I talk to Michael.

He sounds like he's drowning too. He doesn't sleep either. He cries too. He is scared, more than anyone else. He gets to be. I want to hug him. I want to help him fall asleep. I want to take it all away. I want it to be me.

That's not reality.

Can't sleep. Watch movie. Wonder if the creator of facebook has Asperberger's. Am surprised to be thinking about something else.

Go to work. Break down to the point of no return. Work says go home. Come back next week. Ok.

Home. More research. Feed Sally. Say hello. Realize cage needs to be changed. Later. Michael and I talk. It's strained. He's still drowning. So am I. Two people struggling. I don't know what to say.

Call mom, again. Mom says "come over." I do. Mom's are wonderful. Especially mine. Leave feeling like I have had some air. No longer drowning. Talk to Michael. I take a shower, finally.

Do research. Dig and dig and dig. The answer has to be here somewhere!!!!

It's not.

Keep doing research anyway. Realize it's puzzle pieces. Millions of pieces. Many haven't been found. I am angry at doctors. I am angry at medicine. I am angy at everything.

Talk to Michael. Not angry at him. Sleep.

Wake up. Go to Huntsman Cancer Institute for info. Find some. Brain gets foggy.

Remember: food. I hate eating. Sugar is everywhere. It feeds cancer. I get sick looking at it. Eat healthy stuff anyway. Brain works again.

Find some good news. Unexpectedtly I yell an expletive and startle librarian. Apologize. Explain. She smiles and nods.

Talk to Michael. He says, "Please don't give up on me." I won't. We make promises. I mean every word I say. I know he does too.

Find lots and lots of discouraging news. Send it all off on e-mails. Cry and cry. Cry more. Don't care that people see me. I'm at a cancer center. What do you expect.

Security guard says to smile, it's a beautiful spring day and I'm a beautiful lady. I hadn't noticed either.

Talk to sisters. Talk to friends. Hope I'll stop crying. I don't. Talk to Michael. We cry together. Hard.

Body scan day. Has it spread.

Wait.....for what seems like forever.....and then wait more. Sick. Walk dogs for a long time. Need stronger sunblock. Security guard was right. It's spring....

Still waiting. Agony. Every muscle is tense. I can't stop shaking....

A phone call....

Best news possible! This is wonderful!!! More tears. Happy tears. Call mom with good news. She yells, "HURRAY!" Spread the good news. Everyone is pleased.

Happiness is short lived. The reality is still bad. I fall into bed. More phone calls. We talk.

Exhaustion. Need to see friends but am so tired.

Need to shower. Showers help. All clean, except my hair. Baby steps are ok. Friend time is good but I feel foggy brained and don't know how to be normal. Food is there and it's good. I eat. I feel better. I need to sleep. I leave prematurily. Home. Sleep....a long, long time.

Wake up. Again. Must I keep waking up? Can't I sleep through this? No. More research to be done. Promises to be kept.

Need food. Open cupboard. Take out plate. Instantly filled with anger for who knows why. Again. Take a deep breath. Convince arm to place plate on counter versus throwing it and gaining some satisfaction from watching it shatter. Plate safely on counter. Sigh. Realize I need a bowl.

Eat. More research. We talk for along time while he walks. He use to ride bikes. A champion.  Now he walks. Walking is good for him. It's another good talk about many things.

Some friend time. It's good. I speak like a normal person. I think I even do a decent job acting like one.

But it's always there.

So sad. So scared. So worried.

Time for dinner. Time to not throw plates again. Time to chew. Swallow. Repeat til plate is empty.

I know someday I'll get to a new state of normal. I know I will. I don't know what it will look like. I'm scared of the road it will take to get there. I'm scared of what that "normal" will be. I'm so scared he won't be there.

At all. Anywhere.

I don't want that.

I ask again, for the millionth time, to the powers that be, "Please indulge my selfishness. Please let him stay for a while longer." I don't think bargaining works. More explitives.

Crying. Again. Use to it now.

My new normal.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's ok to ask, "Really universe? Right now?"

Sometimes it's ok to be pissed off at the lack of an immediate answer.

Sometimes it's ok to cry so hard you scream.

Sometimes it's ok to be so angry you shake.

Sometimes it's ok to want your mom, even as a grown up.

Sometimes it's ok to desperately need a hug.

Sometimes it's ok to see your mistakes but not want to change anything.

Because...

Sometimes things are just crappy.

Sally Mae the Hamster

I have a hamster (as of this afternoon.)

Her name is Sally Mae. I got her because I am tired of having conversations in my head. Not that I expect her to talk back the way a dog does (yes, they really do, in a pleasant, nonjudgemental, everything I say is fascinating kind of a way) but because if I DO talk out loud, I'll have another living object to whom said out loud comments will be directed.

Xander thinks we got her for him but let's be honest. He isn't here often. I am. And 99% of that time is spent totally alone. It get's um...lonely.

So... Welcome Sally :) I hope we have many interesting conversations.

(Hey, don't judge. Tom Hanks talked to a volley ball in that one movie...)

Just Breathe

I absolutely love this song. So simple, so pretty. Relationships are hard. Especially when the person you love is struggling with their own issues, separate, distance wise and in all other ways possible, from...well...me. Every time I hear this piece of music I remember why I fell in love in the first place. Simply put, he sees me as I am, inside. Anyway, for those few of you who read this...enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aePWkeDxRjE