Day 8

Yesterday started off pretty good. Woke up early, had a good breakfast, cleaned up the apartment, started laundry...then...I sat down on the couch...and fell asleep...for about three hours.

Weird. I have not done that since I was working 70-80 hours a week, was exhausted all the time, was eating absolute crap, living of caffeine, and not exercising one bit.

But I did it yesterday. I didn't want to do anything after that nap. Just wanted to stay put on the couch and keep sleeping. Didn't want to exercise. Didn't really want to eat. Was it the sugar the night before? Had I really been sick when I threw up? Not sure. All I know is...tired.

I did eat, and stayed within my rules somewhat but didn't get the variety of fresh fruits and vegetables I usually do. I didn't exercise. I went to bed feeling guilty about not having done what I know is the right thing to do, about not having stuck to my goals.

Today I worked, so I didn't have time to sit and feel guilty. Probably a good thing. Up at 5:45. Healthy breakfast, packed some snacks, and off to work I went. I did very with eating at work!

Then...sad news. A girl I had worked with died, killed herself, on Friday. I found out right before the end of my shift. I came home and wanted to eat, and eat, and eat. I still have the box of unmade brownies. I briefly contemplated making them but didn't. I sat down and had a little talk with myself about the purpose of this experiment. Originally, it was just to see what would happen to me physically. How would my health be impacted? How would my stats change? Now here I was, looking at a side of this I had not considered.

I eat when I'm really happy. I eat when I'm really sad. I eat when I'm with friends. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat mindlessly, and am generally very unaware of what I am ingesting. Til eight days ago.

All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head. My emotions do not, under an circumstance, have to dictate what I decide to eat. Ever. I decide. To many people, this is a no brainer. To me, this was a revelation. I wanted nothing more than to sit down with a small tub of ice cream and slam the whole thing in one sitting. I knew if I did, the whole cycle would start all over again. I'd feel guilty and depressed that I had failed once again. I'd give up. I'd then make the brownies and eat about 1/4 of the pan tonight, then finish the rest tomorrow. I know what it looks like. I know how it is to have emotions dictate what I do, what I eat, when I sleep, how productive I am. And I hate it.

So today I chose differently.

I took my sadness, my desire to never work with teens again, my feelings of "Why try with them anyway," and I pulled on my work out shoes and clothes, walked over to the exercise room at my apartments, and worked out. (Turns out missing yesterday was a bad choice. Today's workout was a beast to finish.)

Dinner: Roasted turkey and a large mixed green salad with peppers and a handful of nuts.

While eating dinner, I watched a movie on Netflix. "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead." Didn't plan on doing that, it just popped up as a suggestion. It was perfect. The guy making the documentary did it because he had chronic hives, the exact same kind I use to get. It's not very common, but is extremely painful and can really impact the quality of life one lives. It was amazing to see his and one other man's transformations during the movie. It was inspiring. It made me pretty pleased that I was eating the big, fresh salad I was.

I'm still very sad about the young woman who died. I can't begin to imagine what life is like at this moment for her family, or what it will be like from here on out. But I know that sadness doesn't have to command me and what I do, particularly what I eat.

I know I am happier now than I would have been if I done what I use to always do. I chose differently, and lo! A new result.

Who'dathunk...