It's the main line of a song. "I am not a pretty girl, that's not what I do..." It applies to me. I'm not a pretty girl. I don't paint my nails. I don't get me hair done. I wear make up, but not so much that when people look at me that's what they see. I don't own a pair of pantie hose, nor to I plan to anytime soon. But those things don't make a girl a "pretty girl." There are some people who, no matter what, are undeniably pretty. I am not one of those people. I am not a pretty girl.
My mother told me recently that she does not agree. She told me I am pretty, and that it doesn't matter what I do. I am still pretty. She has to say this. She is my mother.
What does all of this have to do with being healthy and fit?
A lot. For me anyway.
I am afraid, that if I get fit and thin, that I will be an attractive person. The last time in my life that I was thin, it lead to negative attention, and very negative experiences. I am afraid I will be seen and noticed. I don't like it, when people look at me, or notice me. I become very uncomfortable and want to hide. Being overweight, for me anyway, has been a kind of shield. Being thin let's that guard down. People look (and by people I mean ones of the opposite gender) at me when I'm thin. They talk to me. They smile and hold eye contact for a little too long in a way that is disconcerting to me. It's unsettling. I don't want to be seen. I don't want the attention. I don't want to be a pretty girl. I want to be a respected human being.
Today I looked in the mirror and I saw hints and outlines of that person looking back. The one that gets talked to and seen, and that's scary to me. The shield is being lowered. I want to crawl back into the safe shell of fatness and hide. I am not a pretty girl. That is not what I do. The world is not a safe place for pretty girls.
I need to find a way to be fit, thin, and comfortable, to feel secure and not threatened. To me, being thin, no matter how fit I am, is equal to being a target. Fat = safe. Thin = danger. I need to reverse those two thoughts in my head. Or simply not have that connection at all. I need to find a way to make is so that being fit, and thin, will also equal being safe, secure, in charge of what happens in my life, and to me. Right now, it doesn't. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't change this perception of reality very soon, I WILL revert to old habits. I WILL allow myself to be quite overweight, to be unhealthy, and to just...settle for that.
And so...the battle for a fit, healthy me continues. Only now, it's getting real, it's getting down and dirty. This is when the REAL work begins, for me anyway. Safe and fat, or thin and vulnerable.
How to be thin, fit, comfortable and confident with it, and safe in this world that is hostile to women who dare to be healthy and strong is now my next challenge.
Don't get me wrong, I have a ways to go before my I reach my goals, but I can feel the battle in my head starting, and the time to prepare is now.
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