Tonight I did day 3 of week 1 of a ten week "get ready to run your first half marathon" training. The first two runs this week, although short, were closer together than I am use to and my knees were telling me to stick to the treadmill tonight, so I did. The ones at my apartment are in a little on site gym, right in front of giant windows that have reflective glass. So, as I ran, I got to see myself...the whole time.
Aaaaallll 45 minutes of running and walking...me, staring back at me...
And here was my thinking and what I noticed and the self-talk that happened:
"Man...I am really looking better than I have in quite a while. Like...seriously. Check me out... Waste: smaller. Hips too. And that weird fat deposit by my shoulder under my collar bone is almost gone...." Running zone out starts to kick in as I settle into a comfortable pace.
Then a couple of minutes tick by and this happens:
"What the...? Is the skin on my upper arms seriously that flappy?! And yes I mean flappy, not flabby. Ew! Look at it ripple with every step. OHDEARLORDTHATISSOGROSS!! I need to start doing push ups again. Like now. Like stop running and do push ups. Strong is good. Flappy arms are NOT good!....No wait...You need to run for the half marathon. Right. Stay on the treadmill, just focus on the good stuff.... So...what was the good stuff again?"
A couple more minutes tick by as I try to remember the good stuff, and do a head to toe review.
I need a hair cut. My skin, outside of being flappy on my arms, looks pretty good. It's clear and bright. Cuter running clothes would be awesome but not necessary. My chest is looking good. Strong. Arms, well, we discussed those already. Stomach: room for improvement but MUCH better than it use to be. Legs...here's an interesting topic. From feet to knees, pretty impressive. A guy at Target even told me so. Good legs run in the family, We are blessed in this area. From the knees up, they resemble my flappy arms: room for improvement, but much better than they use to be. Back: not exactly sure but the push ups I will start doing again on my non-running days are bound to help. Ankles: cute, as usual (when I exercise regularly that is.) I for sure look like a middle age, in shape despite being over weight woman. Overall, not bad. some strong points and some areas to focus on. Lungs: working beautifully. Heart-rate: steady and in a good zone. Muscles: exerting effort but not crying for me to stop. Ok so, areas to focus on have been identified and areas to maintain are noted as well. Excellent. Adjust game plan as needed.
And that was pretty much how it went. I wanted to be honest, but not harsh. When I first noticed my arms and how not-strong they looked, I immediately went into attack and berate mode, which accomplishes nothing but makes me feel horrible about myself.
What I wanted to do was an truthful self-assessment. Lies, whether too harsh or too nice, only hurt. So I gave myself a head to toe eval that was real, that saw the good, the bad, the ugly, and the "high five yourself because you have rocked it these past three months" areas of my physical being. Some people may be appalled by this. I am not. I want to know where I need to improve. I want to acknowledge how far I have come.
Tonight I hopped on a treadmill for 45 minutes, including warm up and cool down, and ran 5k, non-stop. Three months ago I could barely run for two minutes straight. In my book, that is something for me to be proud of. It is not, however, a reason to say, "Go me! I'm so cool and fit and healthy!" and then stop, or coast along on the success I have experienced so far.
At work I expect feedback as to how well I am or am not doing. I expect it to be honest, frank, and with directions as to how to improve. If I am not willing to do this with myself when it comes to goals and plans and directions I want to go, how on earth do I expect myself to improve.
I hear people tell themselves lies all the time about their health, their weight, their eating habits. They justify. I know what they are doing because I have done it myself, for years. I still find myself slipping back into that habit sometimes. Lying to anyone, but ESPECIALLY to ones self, about anything at all, will only prolong the damage and hurt you are doing.
Be honest. Look at the good, the bad, the ugly and the things to proud of and make adjustments as needed. You don't need to tear yourself down. You don't need to only see the bad. There is PLENTY about you that is good and beautiful. See it all. Acknowledge it all. You deserve to hear the truth, especially from yourself.
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